My Loss and Redemption: Loving Again After Loss

Mimi's first photo, on the drawing table with Lucy's rainbows.
Mimi’s first photo, on the drawing table with Lucy’s rainbows.

This is my written notes for my presentation at the 2011 Pet Memorial Sunday celebration hosted by Chartiers Custom Pet Cremation. I was the third speaker, and my topic was, “Loving Again After Loss”. I know I wandered a bit from what is here, but this is the basis of it. I’ve never had the opportunity to speak in this forum before, and I was more than gratified—and surprised—by the compliments I received afterward.

I was very honored when Deb asked me to speak on this subject. I am one of Deb’s families, several times over, and am so glad I found her.

Among other things I do, I have the pleasure of creating commissioned portraits of others’ cherished pets, though often the choice is made to create the portrait when the loss is imminent or may have recently happened, or a family may decide a while after that a portrait is an appropriate remembrance.

When I create a portrait I not only use photos, I also use stories, and even if I get to meet an animal I want to hear about my subject’s personality from the people who love that animal. Part of what I do in creating a portrait is working with families around their loss and I am honored that they choose to share that with me, that they trust their thoughts and feelings in my care.

As a person who’s rescued and fostered cats and kittens for about 25 years I’ve also seen my own share of loss, both in sending fosters off to good and loving adoptive homes and in the losses of the cats who came to share my life.

Of those cats who shared my home and became a permanent part of my feline family for some period of time, I have lost 13. I say now that it is never easy, but I have learned to prepare myself for the experience and know what at least seems normal for myself.

I’m going to tell a little story of my own loss and redemption, of loving again after a loss. It has a happy ending.

Lucy With Rug 1
Lucy with Rug 1

In 2006 and 2007, I lost my four oldest cats, three of them among my longest-lasting friends. During that year of loss I fostered a litter of kittens born to a neighbor’s cat, found homes for three and one stayed with me. I didn’t want a kitten because caring for geriatric animals in their end stages is time-consuming and emotionally exhausting and I felt I had no time for a kitten. But the little black sweetheart seemed to understand my distraction, and after my Stanley, at age 25, finally let go of his love of this world, I turned my attention to my Lucy, my new life, and the remaining four of my feline family.

But when I had Lucy spayed three months later, she was diagnosed with feline infectious peritonitis, a form of it that is always fatal, and I lost her three months after that.

My heart was broken. I was beyond grief, I was simply numb after all that loss, so quickly, and in part unexpected. After a house regularly full of about nine cats, I had only four and for a house that rescues and fosters animals, that is empty.

And those four were between the ages of 12 and 17, and one of them had a serious heart condition and I was aware that I could lose him unexpectedly at any time. They suddenly looked to me like potential sources of pain, and I knew that I needed to do something quickly to save myself.

photo of garden with black cat
Garden With Maia

The day Lucy died, I saw her mother, who belonged to a neighbor who never bothered to have her fixed, in my yard, the petite black kitty laden with another litter of kittens in her belly. The thought flashed into my mind that I needed to take her in, her and her kittens.

No, I thought, the last thing I need is a litter of kittens, especially if one of them might also have FIP. But the idea persisted—get this kitty off the streets and get her fixed, especially if she might be carrying FIP. I called my veterinarian hoping she’d tell me “No, it’s too dangerous, you have enough cats, you’ve had enough loss, don’t do it.” Instead, she paused and then said, “I think that would be a good idea.”

I discussed with her and other veterinarians the risks and we determined I could safely do this. I asked the neighbor to just give me the mother cat this time instead of just the kittens. She said that would be fine.

cat nursing kittens
Mimi Nursing Kittens

By the time I had the space ready the kittens were three days old. I gingerly carried the box upstairs and opened the lid. The mother cat looked up at me and stepped out, calm and collected. I placed the kittens on the fleece bed in the cage and she went in to clean and nurse them.

I was afraid I’d be afraid of them too—looking for signs of illness, expecting death, but after tentatively petting them a few times I picked up each one, then picked up all of them in one big handful and kissed them. I did that repeatedly several times a day, something that’s not really advised with newborn kittens, and that mother cats don’t really care for, but their mom watched me with understanding, and the kittens grew quickly, normally, and strong.

I forgot to look for signs of illness, and there were none anyway. When it came time to spay and neuter them all, I had though I’d finally have my moment of fear because that was when Lucy was diagnosed, but by then I had forgotten all about FIP.

kittens in cat bed
From top, Mewsette, Jelly Bean, Giuseppe (with the green paint on his ear), Mr. Sunshine.

And in the process I invited their mom, Mimi to join my household, and all my seniors joined in watching the kittens and beginning to teach them how to be cats. Mimi and her babies are still with me, all involved in a study of FIP, and my newest subjects for art and writing.

That type of total immersion in loving again is an extreme case, but I know that for me, bringing that family into my life was the only thing that could heal my broken heart in the way it did. Now I could not imagine my life without them, just as I couldn’t imagine my life without any of the cats who came after other losses.

And that’s because, like everyone here, I find it necessary to share my life with animals, and once we do, we always do, though our time of healing is different for each of us.

If we even consider adopting again, we may feel we are betraying the pet we’ve lost, that we may be trying to replace the cherished companion who is gone or worst of all that if we move on that they will be forgotten.

And while the loss is fresh, the memory of the pain of loss is just too real.

But our bonds of love are never the same in any two relationships, and our hearts are big enough to hold a lifetime of loves. As I look through all those years of photos and see all the ones I’ve lost, I don’t remember their loss, I remember their love, I remember the years they spent with me.

I’ve known people who’ve gone right out and adopted another pet, others who waited months or years, or simply waited until another animal in need showed up on their doorstep, and still others who have never adopted again, preferring instead to remember and cherish the pets they’d lost. For each of them, the decision was right.

The important thing was that it was their decision, they were comfortable with the situation and they felt it best honored their pet.

As your period of grieving progresses, you may find your home feels empty, and you miss not only the pet you’ve lost but the companionship in general, the sharing of your routines and your space.

But mostly, we choose to live with pets because of that bond we have with them that we can’t even have with another human, that total devotion and unconditional love that is the gift we share with an animal.

And our precious animal companions remember how we filled their life when we adopted them—surely they’d want that for another animal. And, in life, they always wanted, and often worked hard for, our happiness as part of their love for us, and they would be the best to know that the love of a pet is essential for their human, and would not want us to be sad and lonely.

As much as you loved, so deeply do you grieve, but the grief wears away and leaves only the love, like a diamond. Look back through your photos and see your lifetime of pets, and what do you remember? Not the grief, only the love.

~~~

You know the kittens and mother cat in this story as Mimi and the Fantastic Four. This is how we began, and probably one of the reasons I didn’t work too hard to find a home for them when the time came—though a family of adult black cats is not the easiest to place, but in truth, I’m glad for that. I will always remember that time of intense grief and the joy of healing and loving again, every time I look at them.


All images and text used on this site are copyrighted to Bernadette E. Kazmarski unless otherwise noted and may not be used without my written permission, although links to your site are more than welcome and are shared. Please ask if you are interested in using and image or story in a print or internet publication. If you are interested in purchasing a print of an image or a product including it, check my animal and nature website Portraits of Animals to see if I have it available already. If you don’t find it there, visit Ordering Custom Artwork for more information on a custom greeting card, print or other item.

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Bernadette

From health and welfare to rescue and adoption stories, advocacy and art, The Creative Cat offers both visual and verbal education and entertainment about cats for people who love cats. From catchy and creative headlines to factual articles and fictional stories, The Creative Cat provides constant entertainment and important information to people who love cats, pets and animals of all species.

26 thoughts on “My Loss and Redemption: Loving Again After Loss

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    • September 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm
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      Truly, every time I cry about a loss or a memory, happy tears or sad tears and follow it with a big, deep sigh, I just feel a little more cleansed and ready to move forward.

      Reply
  • September 14, 2011 at 9:15 pm
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    What a wonderful and touching speech Bernadette – I’m sure you deeply touched the hearts of many, as they were able to reflect on cherished memories of their own. I feel as you do, you always know when the time is right to open your heart again to a new furry life – sometimes you have a overwhelming need to find the companionship on your own, and sometimes destiny comes to you like Mimi did.

    And Tucker’s Mom – what a beautiful comment – I echo your sentiments…

    Reply
    • September 14, 2011 at 10:46 pm
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      Deb, I’m so glad I can use what I learned from my grief to help others in theirs.

      Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 4:07 pm
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    That sure reads like it was a terrific speech. What a great story and I am so glad to hear the story of all the black kitties cause they are some of my favorites too. I truly believe that some of these cats are just meant to be with us. I know I feel like a magnet. But it sure makes me happy. Glad you kept all those black kitties.

    Reply
    • September 13, 2011 at 9:41 pm
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      Marg, your kitties were there waiting for you! How wonderful of you to take them in and care for them all. I know Mimi has some purpose with me. Thanks for visiting.

      Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 3:51 pm
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    A beautiful post, as always. The photo of Maia makes me want to reach out and hold her. She looks so contemplative.

    Reply
    • September 13, 2011 at 9:40 pm
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      Heather, that photo is very special. For one thing, I had to recreate it. I saw Mimi, then Maia, out in my yard that day I lost Lucy and went quietly out onto the deck to see her waddling down the path, then sitting at the end to watch all the little critters in that part of the garden. I had my little digital camera and was just pressing the shutter when she sensed me and ran. I took two more shots. Later, when I looked, she was a blur, and seeing the situation, I wasn’t sure if she’d been there at all. But I knew she was meant to be, so I put the shot together with another I took of her sitting the next day, but elsewhere. I have always felt much more going on in the garden that day and still feel it in the photo.

      Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm
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    I have to add that public speaking is new for me; I had many physical and intellectual speech impediments as a child and needed two years of speech therapy in grade school for me to speak so anyone could understand me. Since then it’s been a lesson every day of learning to express myself out loud as I do on paper, and I still often stumble. Being able to do this without trembling in fear or bursting into tears was a big concern, but as the kittens washed away any trace of fear so did the joy of being able to share this. What gifts my cats have given me.

    Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm
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    Two very incredible posts, Bernadette. As always, you get right to the heart and soul of the matter. And I love the diamond image — it is so very true.

    Reply
    • September 13, 2011 at 3:01 pm
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      Thank you, Tammy–I was afraid the diamond image might seem overused, but it’s only used frequently because we all understand and can visualize it.

      Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 2:45 pm
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    What a beautiful and heartfelt speech. I wish I could have been there.

    Reply
    • September 13, 2011 at 3:00 pm
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      Ingrid, I was sure I’d frighten people in a highly emotional state with this story of multiple losses, but they were right with me–especially when, as I talk with my hands, I made the motions of picking up little kittens and kissing them. I’m so glad I had the chance to share.

      Reply
  • September 13, 2011 at 2:16 pm
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    Beautiful sentiments, and all very true. The feelings of loss are commensurate with the depth of the love, but even knowing that grief is at the end of the road doesn’t make me regret the journey.

    Reply
    • September 13, 2011 at 2:58 pm
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      Tucker’s Mom, the idea of a journey is a beautiful one. Thanks.

      Reply

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