An Interspecies Visit

I recount my experiences with pet loss “in the first person” so that the information within it might be helpful to you in any way as you anticipate, experience or grieve a loss. You are not alone, it can be messy and painful, but it can also be joyful, inspiring and beautiful, that’s the nature of grief. Sharing these experiences with you helps me heal and also illustrates some of what I mention about a sign, a visit, a connection, and even the possible interpretation or symbolic nature of what’s included.

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You may remember my Meow-lo-ween design with The Four Housecats of the Apocalypse.

Last year I couldn’t even look at this design, never printed any new garden flags to sell, and never pulled out the Halloween cards.

This year I felt different about it—I wanted to share them and their memories. All summer long at vendor events in the handmade goods I’ve made I’ve been sharing the images of all the cats I’ve lost recently (except Mr. Max, got to get on that!), telling their stories and even made product tags with their names and stories on them. People love to hear it and it seems to make the product they choose feel special. It feels healing. I never want them to be forgotten.

A couple of weeks ago, in preparation for the last Farmers Market a week ago Sunday, and for Woofstock yesterday, I decided to make garden flags for both Happy Meow-lo-ween and Only Good Luck Black Cats, a design featuring another gathering including Basil and Mimi. Under the Happy Meow-lo-ween design I added “brought to you by The Four Housecats of the Apocalypse.” That felt appropriate and healing too.

I decided I also needed to have some tote bags, not that anyone asked, but I intuitively felt they were missing in my display. But not regular tote bags—I still have ones I printed several years ago when I couldn’t keep them in stock, then suddenly people quit buying them. Everyone has enough of the usual canvas bags and I had wanted to find some more interesting and useful bags. I had actually made all the bags I’d sold in the past four years myself, but to make more interesting bags would take more cutting and sewing time and I knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t invest that much time into a tote bag. That would mean buying the bags and they also couldn’t be too expensive.

The company where I’ve always bought most of my blank tees and bags and fabrics for printing, inks, dyes and fabric transfers had two new bags that I knew would be a hit and were affordable with the sell price at $20.00: a large and wide heavy cotton duck canvas bag with a large pocket on the front and a nice wide shoulder strap, and a lighter weight canvas messenger bag style with an adjustable strap that could be worn over one shoulder or cross-body, was lined, with a nice-sized flap. I couldn’t decide which one to get so I decided to just get both and let actual buyers help me decide. Thank goodness for the extra income that always comes with annual projects in September.

I wanted to use three designs on that pocket and on that flap: Bella!, Ailurobibliophile, and Black and Light, the first two made with flocked heat transfer vinyl, a thicker product that has a “flocked” velvet or suede-like finish so you could “pet” Bella and Basil; Black and Light was a scratchboard and is way too detailed to print with it so that design uses a regular fabric transfer. I was irrationally excited about this, each of the designs so full of memories but I felt ready.

I was on the mark with those bag styles and designs. Bella won the last Farmers Market when people saw the bag designs and then the dishtowels and bought more than usual, including a couple of bags and nearly all the towels.

Woofstock is a fully outdoor all-day benefit event for the Washington Area Humane Association at the home field of the Washington Wild Things “Frontier League” baseball team, so it’s primarily a dog event with fun things for dogs and their people all over the infield and we vendors around the outside edges. I knew this but after talking to a few people who said cat people did show up to support the shelter at this and other dog-oriented events and were always thrilled to find vendors to shop from, for once I had the date open and decided to go.

Most of the people who were excited to find me were buying gifts for family and friends, even starting their holiday shopping, which was just what I had hoped for these first autumn events. I sold quite a bit and handed out a lot of cards, worth the investment in the new things I’d made. I loved showing people the flocked texture of the design on the bags so they could all pet Basil and Bella.

Basil stole the event yesterday when he was the one who brought people into the tent. I sold three of the four bags I had with his Ailurobibliophile design and I’m sure to make more.

When things slowed down a bit I went through my tent and reorganized things to close up the open spots where things had been purchased. I moved the one remaining Basil bag (that’s what I call it to myself, and the reference photo is at the top of this post) up so he could be better seen. Looking at the design I admired how I captured his eyes and the shape of his face, head and ears, so familiar, and reached out to pet his face.

Tears rolled down my cheeks and kept flowing. I knew I was feeling emotional, but you never know when the tears are so close to the surface that they well up without warning. No one was even walking near my tent so I just stood there, petting his face, studying his face, making eye contact with his eyes in the design, and just letting the tears flow. Even as I had worked with the design to painstakingly weed out the extra vinyl and pressed the design onto the bags and then closely checked the finished work I had not had any reaction of that sort. Eventually tears stopped and I told him I loved him because I knew he was near.

My friend Mary who always helps with my events was with me, and my friend Carol had come to the event because I’d mentioned it to her. A little later the three of us were standing in front of my tent watching the dogs go by. Carol had always had dogs before she started rescuing cats, and there was overlap with her last dog Rufus, who actually found some of the cats she rescued on their walks. Mary had been going out to pet every dog that came by. They are much more dog-oriented than I am but I certainly petted my share of those who came to my tent like little trick-or-treaters going door to door for treats of pets and affection.

A couple came by with two very large very furry dogs they identified as Leonberger dogs, working and family dogs with thick double coats and webbed feet for swimming and a calm, friendly disposition, who had almost gone extinct after WWI and WWII because of their service pulling ammunition carts. Only five were left after WWI and eight after WII. Their breed was revived and then improved with some outbreeding with similar large mountain dogs. I researched all this (mostly Wikipedia) for what happened next.

Carol, me and Mary were lined up petting them and talking to their people. One of the dogs lost interest but the other walked up to me, turned around and very deliberately sat solidly on my feet. He stayed there for about 5 minutes while everybody talked about it, we continued talking and I just stood there with him sitting on my feet, pressing my fingers into his deep fur. Dogs—and cats—sit on our feet to show affection, connection, or find security, but I think it’s more of a dog thing.

Do I look a little crazy above? My hair is out of control and my eyes still a little swollen from crying, but I was making my point, I guess. Carol took the photo, and I’m glad I have it.

But why me, a total stranger and one he would know is oriented to cats? It felt good and oddly familiar. I had felt a connection as soon as he sat on my feet, solid, warm, affectionate, and fuzzy.

Big, solid, fuzzy Basil felt like that when I hugged him as he sat on the cabinet, or held him, running my fingers through his plushy head and ruff, and maybe a few times he’d rolled on my feet. Basil always had a big affection despite his initial hesitation to approach, which he always then won over, such a brave boy. It’s what I miss most about him.

I took the time to research the breed to see if there would be any connection from their history. Basil came within hours of death in the shelter for his temperament, but thank goodness the Homeless Cat Management Team had always received the daily list of “cats on death row” for any reason, and I could agree to foster him, and Mary, who worked near the shelter, could stop to pick him up and transport him to me, that being her first volunteer activity for HCMT, and the first time we met.

You just never know where they’ll come from or how they’ll show up. Just be ready.

Thank you for following our grief journey after losing seven members of our feline family.

I hope sharing our experiences have helped you in some way, as sharing my experiences with you helps me.

You can read all the articles related to their loss by tapping the images in the side bar and in articles.

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The painting above is one I haven’t shared here yet, though I have shared it on social media and purrhaps you’ve seen it. I’ll share the story soon.

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Copyright

All images and text used on this site are copyrighted to Bernadette E. Kazmarski unless otherwise noted and may not be used without my written permission, although links to your site are more than welcome and are shared. Please ask if you are interested in using and image or story in a print or internet publication. If you are interested in purchasing a print of an image or a product including it, check my animal and nature website Portraits of Animals to see if I have it available already. If you don’t find it there, visit Ordering Custom Artwork for more information on a custom greeting card, print or other item.

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