The Dark Night Into Dawn
I took time aside to work through the deepest part of my grief at so many losses in an intensive, focused way and that helped me to move from the dark night of winter into the lengthening days leading to spring. Never underestimate speaking your thoughts out loud, listen to yourself.
I’ve been referring to these past few months of secluding myself, spending time with my grief and changes as my “dark night.” I now feel it’s lifting just as the winter is lifting with the coming of spring, and as the days grow longer, I also have a little more light in each day. That was the intent of this time, of diving into my grief, easier to accomplish in the isolation of late autumn and winter and in the quiet time of year.
I refer to it as “night” in part because I spent a good bit of my time actively working with my thoughts and emotions out in the garden at dusk and after dark, talking to Mr. Sunshine’s flower, which, as I realized as time went on, I was actually talking to myself while Mr. Sunshine, and by extension likely all of my recently departed felines and more, were patiently listening, thinking, “She’ll get this soon.”
“Get this” refers to understanding just who I’m talking to, and why, in these nightly conversations. One of the best ways for me to grasp my thoughts has always been to say them out loud. I’ve spent a lot of time talking to myself over the years even without a “cat-alyst” like a pinwheel flower wherein I feel a sense of Mr. Sunshine. I can say that hearing my thoughts out in the air gives me a perspective on what I’m actually thinking more than even writing it down. Now, with the modern convenience of voice to text I get the best of both techniques, speaking my thoughts out loud into my phone then having the text to read later.
While my garden and back yard has always been a loving and contemplative place for me, now visiting regularly is a daily habit with the encouragement of specific recent memories, the rejuvenation of my garden under direct feline supurrvision, and welcoming when I need to have a break and think things over, empty my mind of the words that swirl and put them in order.
So while I think of my garden as perfect sunny summer mornings with all that’s living and growing out there, I also think of my visits at dusk and the contemplation that I look forward to.
My realizations during my conversations with Mr. Sunshine’s flower about making changes in long-revered spaces in the house showed me that while they were something that mattered to me, the cats in spirit were not concerned any more than changes mattered to them in life, when they had actually embraced changes. Making changes to these spaces was only a change to the physical space and not the memory. I can keep these places as they are as long as I need to, I can keep all the things I’m attached to as long as I need to, and I should, and when there is no sense of the felines left there it’s up to me to let them go.
My conversations with Mr. Sunshine’s flower since then have been light and happy, no more intense work on these issues and I’ve been moving on to more changes. That’s another reason I feel my “dark night” is lifting, having resolved these things. I have no doubt I’ll be back for more consultation, but for now that weight is lifted off my shoulders. I’ll still have other memories and stories to share as well.
Little visits
You never know where the messages will come from or how the visitor will appear to you. But they will. They love and care about you as they did in life and still want to be near you.
Thank you for following our grief journey after losing seven members of our feline family.
I hope sharing our experiences have helped you in some way, as sharing my experiences with you helps me.
Read more articles about Attachments related to the loss of a beloved animal companion.
Also read articles about Pet Loss and Pet Loss in the First Person, where I share my own experiences.
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Losing even one kitty is hard enough let alone several. XO
Absolutely, thank you.