I Couldn’t See the Stars
Just when I feel I can’t go forward with changes because I feel I’m leaving them behind, I’m erasing their memories, as I make plans for my future as I always have, they show up and give me permission and ease my sadness. Another “Little Visit”, this time from all of them at once.
January 22, 2026
“For all the evenings, nights, over months and even years I’ve come out here to be with you I’ve never looked up and seen the stars.”
I just realized that, this evening, January 22, 2026, standing out there with my coffee and said it out loud to myself. I had looked up and seen stars the night before last, first the evening star, Jupiter this month, toward the east, and as the clear sky lost the last light of day I was shocked as more stars appeared, large and small, some tiny pinpoints of light, through the branches, above the houses, right over my head, one more, then another, then two more, a larger and a smaller near each other, then another, one for each of you, then there were more, and I smiled and laughed because the stars were there.
It’s been so persistently overcast it’s not a big surprise that I haven’t seen them even when I have looked up, to see the clouds, the weather, the last V of geese flying back to their nests on the creek. But not until that evening two nights ago did I see any stars, or perhaps it’s the first time I noticed them.
Tonight I looked up and saw, again, the evening star through the branches of the wild black cherry tree, bright, large, almost distorted; I held still to make sure, once again, it was a celestial body and not an aircraft. The star held its place in the branches, it was Jupiter, high over the horizon, sailing the twilight and heralding the coming night for us humans here on earth.
And then, as two nights ago, I let my eyes wander, and once again stars appeared in their same places as two nights ago, one moment a blank deepening turquoise sky, then a pinpoint of light, a beacon, a smile, joy.
For many dusks, most in fact, I’ve only come out to walk and look at the paths as I silently walked and sipped my coffee, remembering you there as my feet walked behind you. I stop to look around the yard at the other memories, maybe hoping to see your shadow there, leaping onto a chair, pouncing on some movement, stopping and looking around, alert, nose bobbing in the air.
~my thoughts on January 22, 2026
When Jupiter appears
I was thrilled to find the evening star was Jupiter. Jupiter is named for the Roman god Jove, god of the sky and thunder and king of all the gods. The Roman courts swore oaths on Jove, as we might say “by God” they would say “by Jove, “a phrase you’ll still hear now and then 2,000+ years later.
Those born under the astrological influence of Jupiter were described as “jovial” or “jolly” which joined our language defined as “cheerful and good-humored.” Jupiter encourages personal and professional growth and inspires us to pursue our ambitions with optimism. Jupiter also symbolizes abundance and expansion, encouraging us to broaden our horizons and embrace the opportunities life presents us.
Considerations
One of the things I’ve been thinking about as I’ve walked those garden paths in the deepening darkness has been the continuing small and large changes I am making to my work, my home, my artwork, changes that always make me feel as if I’m leaving them behind, or erasing their memory by changing or removing places that held their memory. You may remember when we’d lost Mewsette in June 2023, then in July the renovations began and I removed everything from the kitchen for the replacement flooring, anticipating the whole new kitchen. The kitchen is the room in the house with the most memories, and especially the last memories of Mewsette in her last days as she began to improve but then we lost her, her last day mostly in the kitchen, our last memories in the kitchen. Then all those surfaces, things, the sense of familiarity, we wiped away, never to return. Even with the improvements it was painful.
I’ve been moving my studio equipment and materials all over the place, upstairs, basement, it’s nothing like it was from those long days when they collected in boxes and baskets on my work table, slept in a heap on the floor in front of the furnace vent, collecting out on the landing while waiting for me to get done with something, or on my bed in the room next door, and even just a few months ago when Mr. Max spent his last months, weeks, days in there.
Memories of their last moments are all over the house, and of course all over the garden and back yard. Some of the changes I’m considering, if I can swing it, involve the deck and a portion of the brick patio that holds memories practically from day one in this house, and also involve the current basement, and the basement door. At my age, 64 about to turn 65, I’m thinking in terms of some day in the next decade or two selling my house to provide for my later life and care. But I can’t bear the thought of these changes, positive though they would be. I’ve been talking to them about this as I wander in the darkness.
When I saw those stars
Just two days ago I first saw those stars while out there communing with my feline family. The next day I resolved to make investments in equipment and materials, spending a fair amount of money, knowing I couldn’t continue with what I had and be successful, so it was either slow down and stop my gift items, or make the effort and investment and follow through. I was yesterday and still am today glad that I made those purchases, even though they make me feel as if I’m leaving those precious felines and their memories behind.
Tonight, as I continue in my new reorganized and rearranged spaces with a few new things, I carried that outside and told them all about it as I walked not only around the garden but around the yard. When I returned to the place I stand most often, I looked up and saw Jupiter. Then, one by one, I saw the other stars appear. I guess they say it’s time I did this, and they will watch me and support me as they always did in life. They will always be with me, and the physical places and spaces don’t mean as much as the memories and their lingering spirits.
I came inside on that night to write down some notes—the beginning section in italics—and continued to drafting the whole thing instead.
Little visits
You never know where the messages will come from or how the visitor will appear to you. But they will. They love and care about you as they did in life and still want to be near you.
Thank you for following our grief journey after losing seven members of our feline family.
I hope sharing our experiences have helped you in some way, as sharing my experiences with you helps me.
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It is always lovely to see the stars, but some evenings or potentially mornings, they become really special and everything conspires or comes together to make things ‘just right’.
Have a lovely week
ERin