On Dying and Death, and Remembrance

Angel Daisies © B.E. Kazmarski
Angel Daisies © B.E. Kazmarski

ON OCTOBER 20, 2010 my little Peaches died, and just three months later on January 25, 2011 my mother died. I  first posted this article just after that as I summed up the loss of little Peaches and how her process had clearly prepared me for the loss of my mother, and how my cats often guide me through many important life events.

. . . . . . .

January 30, 2010—I know I risk losing a lot of readers with a title like that, but this is really not a sad article; the experience was such an enlightenment.

I’ve been remembering my Peaches in a very strong way lately, feeling her little spirit walk across my desk and help awaken me in the morning. I had planned an article about remembrance in the aftermath of loss, but somehow it just wouldn’t come together, though I knew in the back of my mind both why I was remembering her so strongly and why I couldn’t focus on writing.

I recently lost my mother at age 85 after so many levels of illness in her life: decades of chronic conditions and surgeries, the lung cancer ten years ago that weakened and eventually put her in personal care, the beginnings of dementia two years ago, the move to skilled nursing a year ago, the weight loss and greater need for care all leading to the last few months of decline.

I would not compare the loss of my Peaches or any of my cats to the loss of my mother because the relationship is entirely different, but I can say that Peaches’ recent progress toward death and her quiet passing, and that of many before her, were what prepared me for understanding and accepting the progress of my mother’s passing, and this is the reason I write this on The Creative Cat.

silvery checkerspot
Silvery Checkerspot on Fleabane © B.E. Kazmarski

I have been lucky not to have lost too many people in my adult life. My parents were older and their parents older yet, so I lost my grandparents when I was really too young to have had a relationship with or remember them. My father died 20 years ago in the same nursing home as my mother after a recurrence of cancer and the effects of Parkinson’s Disease. I have lost a few dear aunts and uncles, but I was not part of their everyday life; my family is not very big, and some of us are not terribly close.

When I lost my father I was barely aware of the process of death. Twenty years later I have learned so much more, all in the daily ebb and flow of life with my cats, and I was prepared, not only for my mother’s loss but for the months-long process that led to it, and I’m anticipating the aftermath.

cabbage butterfly
Cabbage Butterfly on Many-flowered Asters © B.E. Kazmarski

In any living being, living is an act of will, because without it a being does not thrive and eventually dies. But death is not the lack of that will to live, rather it is part of the same will as a being accepts that this physical body can no longer sustain and the body and spirit must part, but living does not necessarily end there. I make no conjectures about what happens after the body and spirit part, but for those of us who’ve felt the touch of a loved one no longer present, however brief or peripheral, I find it hard to believe that living is only accomplished in a physical body.

Especially in age and chronic or terminal illness, the process of death is the same in any being; at some point the person or animal realizes that the body has lost its potential for renewal, for self-support and will eventually stop functioning. Referencing Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ Five Stages of Grief, each individual goes through the same process though with different means and at different rates, but eventually arrives at acceptance.

st john's wort
St. John’s Wort © B.E. Kazmarski

Even though animals can’t speak in human words, the depth of our relationship understands communication beyond, or perhaps even before, the use of spoken language, and we perceive and understand many things without consciously realizing.

From late last summer I’ve been having an increasingly difficult time staying organized, focusing on anything for as long as I am accustomed, also feeling restless and distracted, sometimes fearful or angry, without any obvious reason for it. I may have a reputation as being a scattered and abstracted creative person, but that’s only a perception when part of me is focused on a creative idea that others don’t see. I’m actually organized and efficient or I’d never be able to run my business and take care of my home and cats and affairs for my mother and brother, so this wandering lack of focus was not at all like me, and it was also very distressing because I really need to stay focused to support myself and make sure all is done correctly for two disabled people.

bleeding hearts
Bleeding Heart Flowers © B.E. Kazmarski

Years ago when I was walking my 25-year-old Stanley through his final months I experienced this same distracted period, these flashes of fear and helplessness that didn’t seem to originate with me, and I realized I was actually perceiving what he was feeling as he accepted his own passing in addition to my own process—and no doubt he was sharing my process. I remember looking into his big green eyes as we both understood this and felt relieved that we weren’t experiencing it alone anymore, and though the distractedness continued, I understood. I have experienced this same wandering focus, periods of fear or anger with each of my losses since—and likely before as well—but now I am prepared and understand that, when this begins, they understand they are in the final part of their process and their passing won’t be long in coming.

silvery checkerspot on butterflyy weed
Silvery Checkerspot on Butterfly Weed © B.E. Kazmarski

I knew that a part of what I was feeling this past autumn was my process with Peaches as she gracefully accepted the slow deterioration of her body’s functions through renal failure and simply age. As September passed she needed her sub-cutaneous fluids more often and supplements in addition to her food as her appetite began to wane. One Saturday in mid-October she refused food and supplements and told me she wasn’t going to eat anymore, and she was okay with that. I gave her fluids and little sips of milk and bits of supplements, but she let her body follow its will and gently went into her end stages the following Tuesday night. I sat with her all night long as she slowly faded until morning when she showed some signs of pain and I called my veterinarian (read “Knowing When, and Saying Goodbye”).

After Peaches passed, though, I still felt the pull of another loved one, the distractedness and restlessness. In November our quarterly meeting at the nursing home discussed my mother’s lack of appetite, weight loss and increasing frailty and difficulty swallowing and feeding herself, though she was not withdrawn. After a hospital stay in November we decided to implant a feeding tube in case the issue was that she just didn’t like her pureed food and thickened drinks (she really hated them) and just couldn’t nourish herself enough, hoping she’d gain weight and strength. In the same case at home, I might have tried a few force-feedings of one of my cats just in case they simply weren’t strong enough to eat and sustain themselves, hoping their appetite would take over, but stopping the feedings if it didn’t.

photo of bee balm with bee
Bee Balm with Bee © B.E.Kazmarski

By December there was no difference in my mother, and I knew that nothing we did would change her now. My mother was accepting her end, in the same way Peaches had looked at me and let me know she wasn’t going to eat anymore, and it was what was meant to be. I have no doubt that Peaches showed me her process in preparation for what would come with my mother; I took daily care of Peaches and was intimately aware of what was happening with her, but my mother’s care was in others’ hands and it was a little more difficult to determine what was happening even through visiting.

forget-me-nots
Forget-me-nots © B.E. Kazmarski

If I was distracted and restless before, I was about as non-functional as I’ve ever been in January, sleeping odd hours, sitting and looking out the window for minutes at a time without realizing, nearly incapable of visualizing a complete design idea along with more and more odd behavior, and every time the phone would ring I jumped and grabbed it. I let this continue, knowing there wasn’t much I could do. The nursing home called early January 20 saying my mother needed to go to the hospital, and while she seemed to be stabilizing she had a crisis in the early morning two days later and we decided on comfort measures rather than life support because she would not have survived the condition, remaining on life support indefinitely. My sister, brother, two great-granddaughters and I took turns sitting in her room for her last two days.

Even though I knew that Peaches and my other cats had gone into some painful distress in their last few hours even after gently fading, I had no means of alleviating that distress or any other pain other than calling my veterinarian for euthanasia. Humans, though, have a morphine drip and any other means the hospital can provide to assure the end is as painless as possible so I wouldn’t have to fear helplessly watching a painful end with my mother.

dogwoods
Dogwood © B.E. Kazmarski

And now after the processes of planning, meeting, greeting and thanking, I am remembering my mother, still accepting her passing as I will be for some time to come. I am grateful for the gentle guidance of the felines who’ve entered my life to teach me life lessons in addition to living their own agendas. I understood my own months of inner turmoil as normal and I was more prepared for her passing than I would have been otherwise. I won’t fuss and fret when I encounter a photo or a passing memory of my mother months from now and have a little cry, I’ll know that’s a natural part of my process of accepting her passing.

And I think little Peaches has been wandering about to comfort me in a way she could not have in life with our concern and treatment in her geriatric condition, and also to bring me quiet comfort in the way no other being could. After all, she lost her first human mom before she came to me, so she had an extra special lesson to teach me.

. . . . . . .

family
All of us

My mother was not typically motherly to me; among her illnesses was serious clinical depression, and I took care of her most of my adult life which made me the target of a lot of stuff. To say things could be strained at times was an understatement, but I learned early on that it was the depression speaking and that underneath she was very much like me, and for the most part just let it go.

Here are the four of us in 2000, my mother, my sister, me and my brother when he was in a nursing home after his traumatic brain injury. This photo was from my film camera in poor light so the coloring is odd, but that’s kind of how it is.

I hosted a poetry reading just two days after my mother died. I decided to go through with it since all my immediate family could be there and it was a wonderful opportunity to share my mother with other people. I wrote a poem the night she died, and I’ve also posted that on “Today”.

. . . . . . .

The photos in this article are some of my favorites I’ve taken over the years from my back yard, and also from the trails on my Sunday sojourns, one of the most enjoyable things I do to leave life behind for a while. The very top on is one of the angels in my sister’s garden among the Shasta daisies grown from the seeds I’d given her.

. . . . . . .

CWA-BADGE_BlackCertExcellenceCWA-BADGE_BlackMuseA slightly edited version of this printed article in the Cat Writers’ Association newsletter Meow won a Certificate of Excellence and a Muse Medallion as an “Opinion Piece, Essay, or Editorial” in the 2011 Cat Writers’ Association annual Communications Contest.

Read more about the contest and other awards here.


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Bernadette

From health and welfare to rescue and adoption stories, advocacy and art, The Creative Cat offers both visual and verbal education and entertainment about cats for people who love cats. From catchy and creative headlines to factual articles and fictional stories, The Creative Cat provides constant entertainment and important information to people who love cats, pets and animals of all species.

9 thoughts on “On Dying and Death, and Remembrance

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  • February 2, 2014 at 7:03 am
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    It is a beautiful tribute to her and the love that can find its own ways.
    Feline teachings are one of the many blessings that come with the package when you live with cats… wise those that pay attention and learn.

    Reply
  • Pingback: Poem for Saturday: About My Mother | Today

  • January 27, 2014 at 12:52 pm
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    Thanx for sharing this post Bernadette…there’s a particular paragraph here that just hit home
    for me with sauce…..

    XXXXXXXXXX

    Reply
  • January 26, 2014 at 11:51 am
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    A very nice post. Losing cats can help us deal with the loss of a human.
    Death is a subject we tend to avoid.Too bad ,as it is a part of life.
    Through our pets, we can see that death can be peaceful and sometimes a release
    when suffering is involved.
    The much harder aspects of loss are when pets or people die too young.
    That is the price we pay for loving, and the part that keeps us human.
    We have the ability to grieve and get through the loss and find acceptance.
    There is much we can learn from our pets.

    Reply
    • January 26, 2014 at 12:36 pm
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      Thinking of your recent losses, Georgia and Julie.

      It’s truly a gift when they take time to instruct us, as I’m sure Peaches was doing. The parallels were so clear between her and my mother.

      And Peaches’ passing at 20 was a release, as was Stanley’s at 25, but this weekend I’m also remembering Lucy, who died at 15 months. Her loos brought me the Five just a few weeks later, I’m not sure it was a fair trade-off, but it was all a big lesson for me.

      Reply
  • January 26, 2014 at 10:07 am
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    Thank you for sharing. Your writing touches a deep part of my heart and I so appreciate that you share your beautiful bittersweet stories of love and loss and the teachable moments that they bring.

    Reply
    • January 26, 2014 at 10:50 am
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      I think of you with these, Abby–I read your posts as well but don’t always comment–this one especially was an epiphany for me, with little Peaches leading me through.

      Reply

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